Shortly after I found an organization that tries to help save marriages. It would be good to know what it is. I cant even BELIEVE it has been so many months of dealing with this. But at night when were hanging out, it feels okay. Were not getting better like you think we are he says (from our coaching session). When we fall in love our brains become bathed in a soup of phenylethylamine (PEA) a naturally occurring amphetamine. Get control over your life and let him see a stronger you. I dont know. I needed 90 days to get my finances in order. Which is part of the reason you are in limbo. We have such pleasant conversation when he gets home and we will usually hangout together with the baby and laugh and have a good time for an hour or so before I go to bed in the room and he heads to the couch. These were all text messages he sent me, and I didnt respond to any for the rest of the day. I dont want to live like this. Its all an excuse for him. I could stay busy ALL the time, go be with my friends, when in reality, I want to be home with my baby. He has to want it enough to try, and hes DEFINITELY not there yet. Dont play his game. That was 20 years ago. It almost felt like there were no problems leaving the PA. I played along b/c I had no $ to my name. Just this past weekend, Saturday night he said he was going for drinks with a friend and would be home by 8. Thats the part that stays unforgivable. If you want to see new boundaries like he has no social media or you have free access to his phone, he must accept that. I come from a long line of strong women. I would of course hope that one day he will open his eyes and see this for what it is and see how much trauma he has caused, but I really doubt it. And you can tell him one day its okay by me if you want to leave. Thank you SO MUCH for your response. But hes not interested (right now). I heard from my H of 25 years that he told me I only married him to spite my parents. When here in the house at least I can see hes out, hes drinking too much, and he may not be the man I want for my life anyways. But you man up and be real. I think you may have been the best thing to happen to me right now. Theres loss of your kids. Why would I want a man who wants to live the way he is living. Is sick of me accusing him, said I made him leave the house and hes out and he doesnt care anymore, etc etc. Right now is affecting my work; I cant concentrate, thinking about them. I wasnt happy in our marriage so im justifying doing the things I want to do. 25 years I loved him and have him the best and that is what he told me!! I do not do his laundry or errands or cater to him. I feel like him bringing up divorce is whats coming next, any day now, and Im at the point where I just have to tell him thats fine and he can do it and ill go along with it. They begin to rationalize with themselves in order to cover up their feelings of guilt. Wow! He said now he know i wasnt love. I had kids on summer break and every day had to pretend all was ok. I dont know how he feels about this, but in my opinion this limbo sucks. Sometimes he asks me questions where I can tell hes curious about things, and then its like the majority of the time he clearly doesnt care bc if he did, he wouldnt spend all of his free time away from me. We are still together b/c he realized at the last possible second I was leaving him. How sad it comes to that. I did not over react. Hopefully this reply works, bc my last one was very long explaining my situation and it seems like it disappeared. I know that HE has to be the one to want it, HE has to be the one to want to reconnect with me, I know I cannot make him want that, and any effort to make him want that is only going to push him away. I cant explain it, I do know he loves me, but its almost as if he doesnt realize how much he loves me until he no longer has me. But actions dont lie. To this day, I resent the younger OW more, even though my CH had a PA with the somebody else. We laugh, we talk about normal things. Affair fog is an "irrational way to escape the demands of real-life and lean into pleasure." Different than now? And he was in the fog. Thanks in advance, hopefully you will see this! You have tried. He made that choice. If you want to be with her then youre going to make that choice and im not going to stand in your way. and he said I was wrong again and I just let it go because I have no proof. Im not sure what Im going to do about this.. But the 180 specifically says no matter HOW you feel today, do not show it. And I dont know what I will do bc I will be absolutely devastated. You just sped up the process and got yourself out of living in limbo. But it is a calm rational approach. Its 7 years and I still dont do my Hs laundry. He said he loved her, but I didnt see hesitation in him leaving the OW. But really what else am I supposed to do? After a couple of months, if theyre still continuing the affair and in the fog, you have to start changing your behavior somehow. So why would that upset me? Good for you for standing up to him. Seriously?! She was 40 my husband 58. It seems that most betrayed spouses are desperately trying to figure out the affair fog and what the hell is going on in the minds of their spouses. If would have started preparing my own life, with or without you, and just started doing some things on my ownlike getting finances in order I did start going out with friends a lot more, and I started taking exercise classes. So I demanded the post nup. Sounds like he knows that he is all you have and takes it for granted. I got the baby in the stroller and I went for a run. It is important to have your $ in order, your paperwork in order, access to all financial records, bank accounts in your name alone so you have $ without having to rely on him. He said he did not want to be controlled. He KNOWS he is free to go. Thanks in advance! You are wasting your time. but i have also been there for her Im not that bad when i wright down all the good times and things we have done is good. I even thought about packing a bag and just running away from everything and everyone and starting afresh. That evening my H came home, I showed him the bills and said This sh*t stops NOW! He looked remorseful, and then surprised as I took his phone, put it on speaker phone, called her and said Deanna, this is Kelly and Im calling to tell you to STOP TEXTING MY HUSBAND. What is terrible is that your H is keeping you in limbo and not putting his M or you first. Stronger yes, but much more guarded, almost jaded. Even if we did reconcile and moved forward, how would I EVER get past what hes done and all the texts ive read and the things theyve said to one another. Given that he has no job right now hes not able to pay you child support or alimony. Typical cheater move by the way blame everyone else. How jaded this makes us. I know that today is the worst day I have had in a long time. If you dont do it now you will have given up your power to him. Youre absolutely right. A team player. I ask about them calmly Are you in contact with Deanna phone, text or email? Looks me dead in the eye, and without blinking says No. Doubtful your leaving would have stopped the affair. I felt like I could do anything bc we just supported eachother and we had eachother no matter what. It is such a neat (I know some wont like that word choice) experience to feel how messed up my thinking was. That she loved me. One who can guide you through this storm. You rug sweep his A, never again ask questions, allow him to wander in at all hours of the morning and expect no answers about where he has been etc. Your advice is great and its so right. At some point if this is too painful and nothing changes you may want to decide to separate. I absolutely do NOT want to divorce him, I love him more than anything, but I just dont even know this person right now sometimes. He may never want to work on us, especially if we continue life how it is right now. Yes! To help you both get back on track. He sees me one way and has painted this picture in his mind, and that will not change at all until im detached enough to where he has to face that im no longer controlling him, im no longer holding him back, and somehow hes still feeling the way hes feeling. Maybe Im not handling the situation properly. But I also dont want to be a doormat. For the life of me I cannot remember where, so I cant give proper credit, but here it is anyways. which is exactly what he was doing when he was working out of town, hence how he met the bartender OW. doing everything right and he has justified absolutely everything, and he seems like he could care less that im asking him to leave. He was kicking me to the curb but when I asked him to leave he realized I was out of patience. I sleep all the time (well Pot makes me sleep and eat but all I want to do everytime I leave the house is go back and smoke pot and sleep), I was very ambitious and I had all these plans for my career and for us but Ive lost all the zeal. Ouch! Its not hate or love. Before that could happen, we had a 2 week Hawaiian vacation planned, and the day we returned my mom died! And I believed it. And you have also posed how the 180 is necesssry for you. But i do feel like he tests me, does that seem plausible? I dont know why I feel that way, I dont think thats how he sees it. Its not reality. Hes proven hes a big liar and a cheat. He realized he had everything he wanted and needed and it was right in front of him his whole life. At first we decided he would stay there but soon after he said he felt like if he did that, we would jump right back into where we were in our relationship and nothing would be fixed. So we will just keep going. do you have any advice to what more to do? Three weeks before my mother died ( yes this went on for over 7 months) I called his last whore and my husband was such an ass all he could say was he lied he lied he lied while this whore screamed at him all the things he said about me he NEVER wanted me to hear he just lied she didnt she opened my eyes to the POS my husband chose to be after the (truth phone call) call my husband bawled his eyes out that night in his recliner . Until I found out he lied and was still with the OW and telling her he was going to be with her. He has initiated sex a few times and slept in bed a few times, but the majority of time on the couch. But I keep telling myself just stick it out a little. Before the A I would have backed down in The first 5 minutes. Whether he is cheating or not is secondary what is most important is that he is not putting the M first. And 99% of that mentoring time is spent with betrayed spouses (usually female). Thank you both for your comments of support. The more you detach and live for you and your baby the better things will be for you. Now your H may use any of this as an excuse. I cannot continue feeling like im being walked all over, and I dont think he knowingly walks all over me, but its just how I feel when my HUSBAND cant even treat me like his wife. Remember the A (or whatever he is doing) is like his drug of choice. I havent heard from him today, which is upsetting because normally he would text in the morning. WebThe Real Roots of Midlife Crisis The Atlantic | December 2014 T HIS summer, a friend called in a state of unhappy perplexity. I use this when my kids lie or my H lies. He wont hear or acknowledge that he has a problem so hes always out seeking validation from women. That is your reward. But what he doesnt know is that right now I honestly just dont even want him here. I dont understand it. I think you are doing the right thing for now. He is destroying a family but then again he doesnt care. He is constantly saying Oh ill be home early. I have recently went through a very similar experience (but caught the messages much earlier) and left my SO. I certainly included that in there, as well. I would drag this out for some time just to be sure this is what he really wants. When I finally exploded and did not speak to him for days he finally knew I was furious and ended it. THATS PART OF THE PROBLEM..its so very frustrating. Cheers WebIt was devastating news to say the least. What a big mess. But then Ive read that right now we should be friends again and build a new relationshipI know im rambling, I just feel good that you said you think im handling this well now and what im doing is the best thing I can be doing for now. But I also cant just live in limbo if he is giving me no inkling that we will have a future. I can only say from experience that I dont want to be right I want to cross my fingers that sooner or later he will wake up!!!!. Even if its just her and I and he isnt here, I want to do what I want to do, and not constantly feel pressure to be busy and be out of the house just to make him wonder. I see what he does and I KNOW I dont want a husband like this, yet I still love him and would want to work on it..WHAT?! You can co-parent and be the two best parents not living together IF IT COMES TO THAT. He literally had 1 foot out the door and I was being compared to someone half my age. They believe this new love is real. A few weeks of that and we were headed for a divorce. I think the issues stem the fact that he thought that because we were in contact we were still in a relationship. You have a good head on your shoulder and remember your daughter needs her mother because you are the stability in her life. But he hasnt mentioned that in a week and just has been staying here. But my prior post to you was he wants a M on his terms only. Then she set her sights on my husband and he was totally infatuated. He continues to convince himself he is making all these great choices. You did exactly what I would have done because we are too nice. I really no longer cared. I did, after 4.5 months put my foot down and deny him access to having contact with her, but it led to further problems with me always feeling like he never chose to be with me, as I was the one who chose to stop being humiliated, instead of him refusing to choose me, then there were years and years of his denial, stonewalling, fights and further verbal abuse causing so MUCH more collateral damage. I too feel strongly Im doing the right thing. My big fear was that if I left the other woman would appear at my door within hours because she had obviously already replaced me online right in front of my face at home so I know he would have had no problem seeing her face to face if I wasnt here especially after finding out he was making secret phone calls to her and never did tell her he was married until I inserted myself in the situation and made it known that he had a wife. I feel like an annoyance. And I just have to stick to my guns I guess, as hard as it is. I sure hope he comes around. Im not playing. For you I dont know how to get you out of limbo except 180. If you want her be a man, own it and move out. No way. You need to get him to see that he disrespects you. With therapy and support and this blog, I have confidence in myself. I was dating an highly ranked law enforcement figure and things were not adding up so I researched and found out he was happily married the whole time. I also wonder what he meant when he said that I am too impatient. Over the last couple of days, with help from articles like this, I am realizing that I have been a doormat and have allowed my wife to be a cake eater. Right now he is counting on you being a mess. You have to stop trying to reason with people who only want one thing an A or alcohol or food or cigarettes. The second issue is the one I cannot figure out and it makes no sense to me (or you). I dont call him a liar. Because he chose to stay M. No talking or therapy or pleading or crying had any impact unfortunately. Your email address will not be published. But I still feel the need to get some kind of boost from other guys (I dont know what kind of boost). Dont be me. Perhaps when the party girl realizes she is going to be married to someone who in essence will be financially strapped the rest of his life, she may decide hes not all that! I have come to realize that as long as she is in the fog I cannot love her enough or do enough for her to want to save our marriage. Fast forward seven hours later, and were walking into an awesome 55th surprise party including 40 family and friends that Id been planning for him for three months! Im so sick of being worried that every day a new bomb is going to drop thats going to make my stomach drop and upset me. After I found out, I told him it was over and served him with separation papers because Ive been through this before and he never disconnects fully from women who he engages with. I demanded a post nup. Im already seeing a lot of similarities between what he says and what is happening in our lives. I am willing to continue going through this hell if eventually I can continue spending my life with the man I love. And BTW this is all going to come back to him. We had sex almost every single day, but for one serious shower day, when She could stay clean for 24 hours at least during the week. He said he feels bad putting blame on me and that he said a lot of things he regrets. Sometimes I see it and sometimes im like woah who is this. Unfortunately that is the truth. I just know the longer we go on like this, the more we are forgetting who eachother really is. I would find my poker face, investigated, laid low until I could see with my own 2 eyes whether it was indeed friendship that went to far or more. As hard as it is to come home everyday to a house completely alone without him, I know i have to stick to it. trouble is the tunnel Has giveN you some great advice. Once I got my power back I changed for the better. And yet I havent even told him about it bc im terrified he will take that as an opportunity to make plans to go see the OW, or go do something else without us, or me inviting him will be turned into me trying to push us right back where we were. I learned this from my H cheating. Its a long process to full reconciliation. So he waffles between the singles night at the bar life and being M at his convenience. Its not a M. Did he fight for you? I was completely wrong on that. He fantasized about escape. Its as if they become addicted to the affair, needing the constant high it brings, many times with total disregard for the betrayed spouse. The rest of the night we were okay, his dad was here so I knew we wouldnt discuss it, we didnt discuss anything and it was a decent night. We were cordial, didnt say much to eachother. I have been begging her to stop contacting him and give me a chance to show her i can be the one she fell in love with. Even when I saw the phone logs in January, the next night, we went out with friends and had a great time. What would it be like if this was over? You didnt have to ask yourself, Why is Linda pulling away?, I wish I would have early on, just really worked on myself a lot more and said to myself, Okay. Sometimes I feel like he just wants a way out, to escape. He is manipulating you (like my H did to me). He encourages you to go out and he will stay home, but yet does not want to stay home with you and your baby. I can kick him out for sure and maybe he will be sad for a few days, but im left completely devastated, thinking of all the good times we used to have. Which makes me think hes still slightly in the fog. We also had a discussion a while back on how to get the cheating spouse out of the affair fog, and quite a few BS chimed in as to what worked or didnt work in their own situations. I hope you have a counselor or someone you can see to support you. It finally got through. And if hes NOT worried about losing you trust me b/c I have experience in this he may continue this pattern indefinitely. But it was the most defining moment b/c I took back my power and restored my self esteem. Started as EA but became more than that. And 2-3 days later he would tell me he wasnt sure what he wanted. He tells me I need to find someone who will love me like I need and deserve. I too went through the limbo stage but I was getting the I want a D discussion. Hopefully this fog clears at some point. And they looked like fools. But he is running out of time very quickly. They both state no sex but I dont believe it. He was trying his hardest to put me and our marriage first. Yet he did nothing towards trying to restore the M. He would be nice here and there but then cold, distant and non-communicative other times. Until then, it is his issue and his problem. She said that I am attractive but she isnt attracted to me. What will he do, where will he go, who will he see, will he text me (he never does anymore unless I do first), will he go out tonight, will he drive to see OW a few hours away and then come back home as if nothing happened.my mind races with questions and it sucks. And there was nothing I could do. And your H now may be sure this is what he wants. You can get past this. Whatever you decide. 3 Signs of a Midlife Crisis Coming to an End - What to get And now im alone in a way, with a baby, with a husband that isnt sure that he wants to be a husband anymore. Come crawling back or find another OW. You acknowledge when he is lying to you. Part of me thinks I should once and for all let this go and move on, figure out a schedule for him and the baby and move on without him, but I just cant even fathom that. It can make your head spin. He accuses me of hiding my phone from him, as if IM DOING SOMETHING WRONG, when he hides his phone morning to night. The coach tells my H, not many women would put up with H still working with OW (YeaIm a patsy ). Something my sister used to do when she worked in HS in a bakery. like you said, I cannot change him. Like even though right now were not reconciling, were living in limbo, together, not a couple basically, but he has still been home every night, we discuss things, he lets me know if hes running late, those type of things.I dont know. His reaction had taken him by surprise. Then its over. K. At the end of all of this, he can choose his own path. My husband was acting very strange and very nasty towards me. You can only change how you react to him. Continue banging your head against the wall to effect a change (maybe) OR not engage in the circus and move past his drama. He is using that to support his evil wife persona of you. All of your responses and advice on this page seem to be so great, and I am going through a similar situation I could really use some advice on. Things outside the marriage is much more appealing to him right now than things inside the marriage, and that sucks. Oh absolutely, he has blamed me for SO much. He texted me last night when he was going to bed, and of course in my mind im still wondering if he is where he says he is, but im not asking questions. There is no excuse for cheating and doing what he is doing. I also asked if he thought if there were more positives or negatives if we were no longer WE. Many of these stories are helpful. But at this juncture you dont have much of a choice. So again, after a few weeks we decided he would leave again, which was 2 weeks ago, and he never left. Im TERRIFIED he is lying to me and is going to go somewhere to see her. He married you. I can tell you I wa lucky they did for me. And he would be nice for a few days and then it would start again. Maybe give your opinion on some of the ones that I mentioned. Biggest mistake I made was letting him be in control of us and me. They are living in cloud cuckoo land. He immediately quit his job but has continued to secretly speak to the other woman. but i need to. When he was telling me how wonderful our marriage was after DDay 1 and what a fool he was and how much he loved me, I believed it all. If I gave marriage advice to any young couple always have a back up plan and emergency $. I hate the feeling of waiting for the next bomb to drop. But it has to be their idea. It was like I was the one real real real thing in his life. Either he has a serious drinking problem or many OW or something. He finally gets it. That is why I say As are like addictions. If not see ya. He answer negatives, so I guess Ill cling to that! Is The Cheating Spouse Living With Regret? You have to make a choice. And he has been gone all day and of course my mind goes to wondering where he could possibly be, but I just have to get used to wondering that, bc now he wont be living here anymore. Its not him TRYING to hurt ME, its him just WANTING other things MORE than he wants the marriage. Once it gets difficult or hard, one or other will bail. The fog has a powerful hold on the CS. But i do feel that way. am i answering his texts the right way?.All things I NEVER cared about before. We argued once for 2 hours over an insignificant item. Second was he was proving he was changing. his view on me became totally negative, and that started to change recently. I proved in a crisis I will be strong and level headed and calm and make good decisions. I am not saying file just get an idea in case you need to file. You are not giving him a pass or acting like nothing happened. Next begins a repeated internal dialog of the rationalizations over and over again in their minds. But everything elseyoud come home, and Id be there. I appreciate it more than you know, as much as it terrifies me to read that you think I need a lawyer, etc. This whole situation is so emotionally draining. Its so much pain. I love him so much. Sometimes when he says things to me, theyre so horrible, I literally sit there silent and wonder WHAT AM I DOING? I said it was disrespectful for him to not send me a quick text just saying he wouldnt be home to help put the baby to sleep. But karma is coming and I hope you get to see what happens to people who take advantage of someones good nature. I dont know. The OW was history and he was doing everything possible to make amends. And sometimes I feel like when all is said and done, he is going to finally see this for what it is and see how WRONG this affair was and how much he has disrespected me. I feel like sometimes he wants to but then sometimes thinks its too hard, and then sometimes he just doesnt want to at all bc he is so sick of me. As if I got them from another man or something, ya right. We BS call it the cheaters manual b/c the behavior is so darn predictable. He was getting out. You get to the point if no one cares b/c you dont. And living in limbo, walking on egg shells day in and day out was not a way to live. I dont want to be mean to him, I want to just focus on me and the baby but its very very hard. Nothing YOU do is going to destroy your M. Whether you argue or beg or plead or ignore or act nice or are too calm none of this will have any impact. He never saw me with an I dont give a crap attitude towards him before. She had aborted 2 babies because she tried to trap men with a pregnancy and they didnt go for it. I begged, pleaded, threatened.you know, did everything I shouldnt have! Big difference! It just feels so wrong, I feel like we will end up hating eachother. Our only contact is when he asks to see our preschooler, once every few months. However he was the one that came to his senses. At least you are not having yelling and screaming matches daily (not good for the baby or you). Just letting you know I know when things dont add up. I am sorry you dont have the courage or respect to tell me the truth. The only thing that was happening was I was a total wreck, and that didnt affect you like it should have. You are giving him every opportunity to repair the M. He is choosing not to. NO YELLING! I said my 2-3 sentences calmly and left the room. And I think there is a reason things have changed so suddenly. But it is not ok for him to drag you down the black hole of indecisiveness with him. We have all been through some aspect of the above I some way shape or form. But yet he is still living the single Life (somewhat) by handing out in the bars with people you dont know, you are not invited or included and he puts very little effort towards your feelings.
